My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize