I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
