I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
