I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
