So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
