I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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