i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Are we still banned from the library?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
