"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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