oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize