everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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