I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
