exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
