My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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