Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
