I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
