so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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