I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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