I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
