Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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