Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Houston, we have a blender
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
