after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
