Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They took my balls.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
