pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
3 2 1 whiskey
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize