I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
