I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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