Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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