i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
