glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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