my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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