At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize