I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
