Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
