My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
