I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
