I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
