His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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