Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
birth control should be required to get into college
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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