Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
