It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
