the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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