She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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