So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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