He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
