I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
