I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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