can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
