Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
