just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
