it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
