Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
