hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
