I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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