he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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