I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize