shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
