it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
