ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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