If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
