I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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