Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
