I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
