I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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