K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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