She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
