he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
