i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
