K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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