Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
