So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
