He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
