She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
