my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
